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Nonviolent Communication Leads to Inner Peace

Recently, I attended a seminar at Peace Connections on Nonviolent Communication, a “life” study written by Marshall Rosenberg. In this book, Rosenberg teaches about the four components of NVC: Observation, Feeling, Needs and Requests.

In February, my mother was admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, one of many return trips. My husband and I are primary caregivers to my mother and so I called my three older brothers to alert them of this crisis.

In the history of our family, one of my three older brothers, RJ, has become very difficult to be in relationship with. In fact, there have been times when the rest of us were relieved if RJ and his family didn’t show up for our once a year gathering. It was much easier to avoid the conflict.

Pre NVC, my reaction would have been to call my brother RJ (living 20 minutes away) and say things that would guilt him into coming. I certainly would have felt resentment and frustration towards him because of “all the times he could have helped and didn’t and now he wasn’t much help either”.

This time however, I managed to practice the NVC tools. I was able to call and just alert him of the situation. I did not have to say things that would put further distance between us. I chose to free myself from the resentment thus freeing him from the “shoulds” to respond on his own accord. The outcome was surprising and nothing short of a miracle. RJ came the same day and spent two hours with our mother. Later that week, I went to see mom late in the day and to my surprise, RJ was there and another brother came too. I was able to see both of them in one day, not a common happening in our family.

When RJ got up to leave, I walked him out and we sat in the waiting room for another hour and talked. This was another unexpected blessing. I was able to really listen empathetically to him without letting resentment and anger get in the way. Although I was anxious about how this conversation might end, I was able to hear about his fear, struggle and concern over many things. With the practice of NVC, I was able to embrace this “estranged” brother once again with a “transformed heart” for just a little while.

It takes great patience to travel this healing relationship road. I believe that it is God’s will for my brothers and I to live in peace. I cannot guarantee that I will experience complete healing, but I am a step closer when I can put my resentment aside and listen to my brother.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:1-3

Denise Goertzen

Director of Case Management

Offender/Victim Ministries, Newton