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On Tuesday, due to a crisis at his place of employment, Joe was 15 minutes late to take over childcare of the children, so his wife Cathy could go to her job. Cathy knows that being prompt isn't one of Joe's strengths, but she said she understood. On Wednesday, when Joe was 20 minutes late getting home for lunch, she blew up when he walked in the door…

Cathy: (looking at her watch, and saying angrily) Where have you been? It's 12:30! Your lunch hour is from 12 - 1! Why are you always late? Is there a crisis everyday at work?!

Joe: (looking guilty and frustrated) What you forget is I'm working hard around here to pay the bills - you should at least appreciate that!

Child: Mom, it's only 12:25 right now and you said it's 12:30!

The joy has gone out of their reunion at lunchtime. The children have witnessed an angry exchange. As an angry silence descends on the meal, Cathy remembers her nonviolent communication training…

Cathy: I feel sad that I yelled at you Joe. What I would have liked to have said was, "When you come home later than expected, I feel frustrated and resentful because I need and value your time with our family. Would you be willing to help me understand your thoughts on this?

Joe: I can see you are frustrated. Sometimes a meeting I'm in runs over, people are always catching me when I'm walking out the door…I feel torn. I do value our family time. I need to do a better job of saying it can wait until after lunch.

Cathy: I know you value our family time. Thanks for helping me understand. Would you agree to giving me a call if you'll be more than10 minutes later than the time we set?

Joe: That sounds doable.

The above dialog is an example of Nonviolent Communication in action. NVC is a process language that focuses on the natural joy of giving and compassion between people. The four areas of emphasis are observation, feelings, needs and requests. NVC helps people learn honest self-expression and empathic listening. Attention is giving to understanding universal human needs and ways to joyfully meet these for all.

We usually have an idea about what we want people to do for us, but we often fail to think about what we want the other's reasons to be for doing so. When people can truly understand how their giving makes life better for another, they can feel a natural joy in doing what the other requests. On the other hand, when people comply out of duty, fear, guilt, etc., often feelings of anger or resentment arise and both parties involved miss an opportunity to connect and enrich each other's lives. People often are unable to clearly express their feelings or needs. Using NVC, attention is given to the feelings and needs "alive within us" as well as the feelings and needs "alive" in others.

4 Step NVC Model:

1. Observation: A clear statement of what a person is saying/doing without using critical, judgemental language. Observing without evaluating.
2. Feelings: Accurately expressing the emotions or thoughts we are experiencing
3. Needs: Making a connections with the need that causes the feeling.
4. Requests: A clear do-able action could contribute to meeting our need and use of the words "Would you be willing?" to convey this is not a demand.

Using honest self-expression (our feelings/needs) we give a clear statement of what we perceive, feel, & need: When I see, hear…, I feel…because I need… Would you be willing…?

Using empathic listening (feelings/needs of others) we "hear the human" behind the request: When you see, hear…, are you feeling…because you are needing…? Would you like…?

Examples:

1. Observation: "You are always late!" vs. "When you get here 15 minutes after the time we had arranged I feel…"
2. Feelings: "I feel like you never listen to me." vs. "When you don't look at me when I am talking to you, I feel frustrated."
3. Needs: "I need you to do your homework" vs. "I'm feeling a little concerned about you doing your homework because I value your learning."
4. Requests: "Do it now!" vs. "Would you agree to start on your homework after your snack?"

Connecting with empathy is mostly something that happens silently. The quality of our listening makes the connection. Giving advice, sympathizing, finding a solution, even when well-meaning, block the connection. We listen fully present, tuning out thoughts or ideas we have about the person or the situation and tuning solely into their needs. It is a wonderful gift to give.

Example: Nursing home resident to caretaker: "Stop treating me like an invalid!"

Empathic response: "Are you feeling frustrated because you're needing more independence?"

Anger: Three things are true when I am angry:

1. I'm not getting something I want
2. I tell myself I should have it
3. I'm close to speaking/behaving in a way that will not allow me to get what I want

We are able to deal with anger more easily when we think of what needs of ours aren't being met and think about the "should" that is behind our feelings.

Example: Child has agreed to clean room while parent is gone. When the parent arrives home, she finds child watching TV with the room a mess. Anger says, "You are so lazy! Why didn't you clean your room like you promised!"

NVC says:

1. Be aware that a parent is thinking the child "should have" cleaned room
2. Connect with unmet need such as trust (child does what he says) and support (help with work at home)
3. Are there feelings beneath the anger such as discouragement, fatigue?
4. Express with NVC: "When I see your room as it was when I left, I feel discouraged because I need help with the work around the house. Would you be willing to…?"

There are opportunities each day to express our gratitude to others. NVC does this by letting a person know what needs were met by what they did, how they enriched our life.

Example: "You're such a great kid!" vs. "When you cleaned your room, I felt so happy. It met my need for help and support in our house."

Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life - $17.95

Nonviolent Communication Companion workbook - $19.95

CD - Speaking Peace, Connecting with Others through Nonviolent Communication - 2 CD set $24.95

Marshall Rosenberg is the founder and educational director of the Center for Nonviolent Communication

Check out the NVC website at CNVC.org